makesmeatease | (no subject)

(no subject)

Inara had an itch to talk to her husband. This time, it had nothing to do with Kaylee or anyone else...it was just about her. About them.

Of course, she had issues with coming up with how to say it. Any of it. Especially without making him feel like she was unhappy. She wasn't.

Too much.

She found him in the cockpit, and after a moment's hesitation, she cleared her throat. "Can you leave the ship alone for a few minutes to talk?"

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Mal just looks kind of incredulous at the question, filling his glass instead of looking at his wife.

Mumbling: "Can you guess?"

"I just want to hear what you have to say." So she can shoot it down.

"I would think you would know" comes out first, but he winces and studies the calluses on the pads of his thumbs around the wineglass.

"Ship ain't no place for a child. Not permanent. They deserve green; I can't give 'em that in the black. Not the security - they don't need security by barrel-end. I know Zoe and Wash have stayed, and Naomi's the most spoiled child in the quadrant, but even then she's going to need schooling coming up sooner rather than later.

"And if somethin' were to happen...almost killed two people we know. They're just barely back together."

"Security by gunpoint can be common even on planets. And they'd get a chance to see the galaxy, Mal. That's more than most children ever get. And I'm--"

She can't promise she'd be fine. But how can something she wants so desperately hurt her? A stupid question, she knows, so she doesn't voice it.

"A child needs love and happiness more than green yards to play in. And I did go through a lot of schooling, Mal. I could teach. You'd be a wonderful father."

Her voice breaks, slightly. She just...if she doesn't press this now, she'll never press it again and she'll...never get what she wants.

"You'd be a wonderful father."

"You don't know that."

"I do." She presses, nodding, her hair flying with the movement. Inara moves closer to him, to touch his arm, his face. "Mal, you'd be so scared of messing the child up that you'd be the perfect father no matter what you did. We both would be like that."

Having Inara closer helps. Mal's heartrate slows and he inhales for the first time in forever, but clearing his head just brings more things to ask.

"You need to tell me why. Why you want to raise a child. With me. Where we are."

She carefully leans her head against his. "Because I love you. And I know you love me. And that you're capable of showing a child just how much you'd love them. Because I want something of the two of us to survive after all we've done."

That's it. Right there.

"We survived. We aren't going anywhere."

"We're not going to live forever, Mal." Inara pulls back to look at him. "And mostly I want one because I want one. And there is no one else I'd raise it with."

Mal is horrible at wanting. He tends to a need - food, job, place to live, need to keep going - and moves on.

Before Tequila, when was the last time he did something more than buying another round of drinks that was simply because he wanted to?

"Because you want one."

"Because I want one." She repeats, nodding. "Because I see other women with their children and I want that. I want to know I created something and I want to hold it in my arms. I want to see you hold it. I want it."

"'Nara...

"I don't want to deny you anything."

Her heart nearly breaks. "I don't want...I know that I've pushed this today but I don't want you to just...unwillingly give me a child, Mal. We both have to be...okay with this. And I'm not saying that you have to get me pregnant right this minute. I just want to know that we can do this."

The only thing that is stopping them is Mal.

Slowly: "I ain't taken a real physical in a long time. Never really had a...[I don't know what to call them]. Test. To see if everything's in order."

Maybe I wouldn't even be able to, Mal thinks suddenly, to mixed reactions behind his own eyes. He should find out though.

"You should do that anyway." Inara scolds. "If you're going to drop dead one day, I'd like to know why."

She closes her eyes and steps up to him again, pressing herself into his arms. "We can do it here? Discreetly. Or go Coreward."

"Not here. Last thing I need is Ma to overhear somethin'."

"Coreward then." Inara says. She's not stopping at some back alley doctor on an outer planet and putting her husband in that person's hands. Especially after that weird dream.

She puts her hands on his face and kisses him softly. "I love you."

"I love you too, Inara."

It's the easiest declaration Mal's made all day. The one that never changes.

"Want to stay here for awhile?"

"Yeah. I have this glass of wine to finish, after all." She smiles at him and doesn't move to get the glass.

Just stays there with him, in his arms.

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